I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
