She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I'm too high and old for this...
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
