Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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