I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
