like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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