If that was your dad, he is hot
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
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