M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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