I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
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