Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize