I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
There was a lot of him and a little penis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
