You work out of a Hotel?
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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