Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
