Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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