well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
