I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
3 2 1 whiskey
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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