Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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