maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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