there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
