Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
