i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
