The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
