ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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