I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
