she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
