I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
