I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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