This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
