My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Mom said you looked used
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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