Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
