Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
COCAINE IS GR8
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
