I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
