The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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