The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
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