Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
