I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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