'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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