I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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