ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
