If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
Randomize
