wat bout pragnant strippers??
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
