How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
