Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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