saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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