I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
