my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
