Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
