my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize