I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
We need a shit load of segways right now
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
