Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
