So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
