roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
