I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
