I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
