I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize