Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Randomize
