I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
